Confessions.of.a.NYC.Lezie

So this is resolution time.

And this year, I am determined to live a more reasonable life. To save more and spend less. To eat less and exercise more. To listen more and talk less. To be more adventurous and nest less. To praise more and complain less. To give more and take less

I will not elaborate on any of these but rather leave them as they are.

I always seem to fail at keeping my resolutions. This year though, it is different.




Cheers to you and yours. May 2008 be a year full of balance, gratitude and truthfulness

Happy New Year Folks!

Sometimes I wonder if cutting all my ties with the Pearl was a mistake. Sometimes I sit and wonder if I had given all my time to her that perhaps I could have taken another chance with her. Sometimes though, I wonder if I should have thought with my heart and not my head. Sometimes I just wonder you know?

So many chances were taken, so many time I’ve felt like I was at the end of my rope and other times I wanted to give more of myself. Even knowing I would have gotten my heart broken way too much. The Pearl wasn’t a great person to be in a relationship with. Everyone around me knew that. I was so drawn to her and I couldn’t escape what I felt for her.

Sometimes it is too late to take chances.

And sometimes you have to take them. Even when you know in the end that there might be a slight hint that it wouldn’t work.

I haven’t spoken to her in months. I cut all ties. Occasionally she texts me and asks me how things are or why things happen or why I refuse to negotiate some sort of speaking or friendship terms. And my reply : “I cant”.

I cant talk to someone who will manipulate what we had. One day its cold and the next time its hot. You can never tell with her. I don’t need someone like that in my life. I am not into games. I am not (again) in the mind set to do so. I’ve done my part and played along and pretended that everything was okay and I believed her every time when she told me that it is me that she wanted. I took in her countless apologies. I chewed them, swallowed her mistake and walked with pride.

In fact it wasn’t pride.

It was shame.

I will never say that I wasted three years of my life with her. But I will say this: I should have known what I was getting myself into. I never knew then what I knew now. I never knew that I would have fallen in love with a woman, got my heart broken and took her back many times. It was a cycle. In my mind at the time it was what it was. I chose that path as some would say. I chose her. I dealt with her and managed to succumbed to her ways.

In a way it is my fault. Also hers.

Now, I can’t get her out of my head. Part of me needs her. Still. The other part thinks that it is too late.

I don’t know if I still love her. I don’t know if the same feelings I had are still there…hidden somewhere. I don’t want to see her because of that. I am afraid the feelings I once had will resurface.

I am sure many of you have been in situations like mine and didn’t know how to deal. Perhaps some of you have managed to control those awful feelings.

Perhaps you are what I need right now. My answers can be found right in front of me.

I am waiting.

I grew up Catholic. My mother is somewhat religious and my father doesn’t believe in anything. My surroundings growing up in the catholic faith seemed natural to me. I went to church on Saturdays and bowed my head and held my hands tightly and prayed for forgiveness. I also grew up knowing that being a good catholic is the best way to reach the pearly gates and play in heaven among the good people of the earth, bouncing on snowy clouds.

Then I go older.

The people who surrounded me were Catholics. Die hard Catholics. The kind of religious folks in this part of the country who have trouble comprehending other issues concerning other religions and not theirs, the kind not allowed to be fags. They were the kind of religious you see in documentaries, railing against homosexuality and abortion. One of the hard-faced tiny warriors lined up on pews being filled with a boiling rage larger than our own small frames.

I believed unreservedly that my lord and savior had died for me to cleanse me of my sins. That the end of the world was coming and that I must spread the gospel of Jesus Christ to save those I cared about from an eternity spent in hell. God could see inside my very mind and heart, I was taught and that God is everywhere even when you are doing naughty things. And he knew when I was tempted by the devil, who would speak to me through secular music (Michael Jackson), friends (the one who smoked cigarettes in the school bathrooms) and television (MTV). I asked Jesus into my heart at an early age, was baptized in front of the congregation, and swallowed down the bitter intolerance they taught as easily as the cheap wine that was supposed to symbolize Christ’s blood.

So deeply did the hellfire and the hate lodge themselves inside me that on a trip back home, just pulling the car up to the church where I spent my formative years was enough to make my heart flap in my chest like a trapped bird. The conviction that I am a worthless sinner is the very deepest layer of my low self-esteem, and the unrealistically rigid morality I learned imbues the very sexuality that became my livelihood with guilt and fear. The church was not good to me.

But for all the fucked up things about the religion of my childhood, faith itself is a beautiful thing. The people I went to church with weren’t bad people, they just believed in a concept so fervently that it grew bent and warped in the fire of their fanaticism. In the beginning, God was good. And when I look back at the Christmases of my childhood, I remember the best parts of Christianity. I remember joy to the world. I remember peace and goodwill (of course Santa Claus and the Christmas carols).

The next time I talked to God, it was in a room filled people crying and a casket suspended on two pillars gracefully gazing at the sobbing witnesses. When I tried to reach out this loving higher power, all I saw was the stern father of my youth, as oppressive as a suburb. The God I knew damned you to hell; he didn’t pull you out of it.

As many of you have noted, I am not a perfect person. I have made mistakes, over and over again. And sometimes the only way to get back up after you’ve fallen so far is to rely on something bigger than yourself, to pull your head out of your ass and notice that there even IS anything bigger than yourself. And it’s awfully sincere, but when I went looking for God, I found a whole big world out there that saved me from myself. Whether it’s the love of friends and family, the talent that comes and faithfully offers me the right word, the potential for kindness between people, or the ability to tell a story that comforts others. These things can be holy too.

I will not call myself a devoted Catholic. But this year I approach happiness. And in those creeping moments when I walk down the street and look to the tops of the buildings that skim an endless skyline, when joy unexpectedly fills up my lungs like crisp winter air, until even my blood is sweetly singing. Then I am feeling God.

Happy Holidays

Merry Christmas to ALL...

I will be back on the 26th.

When most people are blinded by things that are inevitably materialistic, some are mesmerize by things aren’t so much of a fad but in fact are rarely recognizable by many. Love at first sight.

I personally don’t believe in love at first sight. Then again, not so much of a believer of our dear ole love cherub - cupid. But really, love at first sight is only witnessed by so few people that sometimes I wonder if it really was love that they encountered or simply an attraction more so - lust. How about this, is love a one way street? The connection you get with someone which some may describe as pure and everlasting love is somewhat a joke to me and Or the whole soul mate thing is a really a myth. Attack me now. Please.

I do though, believe in love. I think everyone on this planet who feel a heartbeat on their left upper peck is aware that love is there somewhere. Again, very few experience it and very few lose faith. Doesn’t mean at some point they didn’t believe in love.

I have fallen in love twice. I have been with many - many people and yet what I felt the first time I fell in love was nowhere close to any of the women I had after. I came close though to finding my ideal lady. But my first impressions weren’t the ones I gotten to like after a few weeks.

Have you ever gotten a chance to talk to your crush only to find that you actually had nothing in common and so whatever you felt before you had the balls to talk to her/him has gone down the toilet faster than the toilet suction on a cruise? Yep. It happens to me all the time - no really, all the time.

I have three options there :
1. I can either keep talking in hopes of finding something - one thing good about them
2. I can walk away and pretend I got a call on my cell and never look back
3. Smile, offer a drink, walk away and say thank you ma’am.

Truthfully I go for option 2 or 3 depends on my mood. My time limit is 10 minutes. If my eyes are wandering and I start to nod it means that I am not interested and I just staying there because I feel bad. But otherwise, I am nice to those who are pretty.

Maybe that’s what my problem is, I don’t give chances. Life isn’t about wasting time. I don’t like to waste my time and the precious time of others. Trust me, I have gotten rejected once or twice. But you know, I just move on and hopefully the next one will be the love of my life.

I don’t know. I am one tough cookie when it comes to letting myself love again.

I am cursed.

I am alive.

I swear

I've survived.


I will post - soon.


In the meantime...Here are some stuff that you should check out.

Jeff Dunham - Amazing comedian and ventriloquist. here is a link.

Josh Groban - I know its pretty gay of me. He is a hot stud and his new CD NOEL is so christmas lovey stuff...it will put you right there in the xmas spirit.

Peanut Butter and Jelly- I rediscovered the joy and pleasure of PB&J. You should too.

Cipriani - Book your New Year's Eve table there. Its my new favorite club.

or you can join me in Paris with my parents - you get to celebrate New Year's Eve before America does. how cool?

My new favorite sweater of all time is this one. go get one. so soft.

Go see "I am Legend". trailor is here

I can't believe Tila the Skank picked Bobby. Message to Dani - Hey Dani...call me ;)

now...go elf yourself.


thanks.

Everything is mysterious, confusing, muddling. I feel like life is running me over, and I get so afraid that I sabotage everything. I think I must do it on purpose, albeit subconsciously, so I don't feel completely blindsided.

I suppose I'd rather walk straight into traffic so I can brace myself before being struck down. If that makes any sense. Instead of being run down on the sidewalk, unsuspecting.

I was in a very frightening car accident a couple of months ago and I now have a very visceral memory of what it felt like to be the one careening out of control, feeling yourself floating in air, about to hit cement and feel glass and metal crushing but not feeling it yet. And powerless, in the hands of God some would say. Suspended in time between the unchangeable past and an imminent razor-sharp explosion.

You hold your breath.And I mean its nothing so serious. This feeling now, it isn't life and death. But you're still running out of air and the consequences are coming closer and closer. It all happens so fast. One gesture and its all over.

And you can stop everything and at the same time you can't. You're omnipotent and yet crippled by what you can't control. You're just scared scared scared.

That's what's horrible about falling in love. I think I need to breathe. I think that's the key. I think I need to breath and let go. Why do I worry so much? If I'm suspended, frozen between what I've already done and the inevitable consequences, then what have I to worry about?

Today I will ground myself and focus on what's at my fingertips. And breathe.