Taking another chance
Friday, December 28, 2007
Sometimes I wonder if cutting all my ties with the Pearl was a mistake. Sometimes I sit and wonder if I had given all my time to her that perhaps I could have taken another chance with her. Sometimes though, I wonder if I should have thought with my heart and not my head. Sometimes I just wonder you know?
So many chances were taken, so many time I’ve felt like I was at the end of my rope and other times I wanted to give more of myself. Even knowing I would have gotten my heart broken way too much. The Pearl wasn’t a great person to be in a relationship with. Everyone around me knew that. I was so drawn to her and I couldn’t escape what I felt for her.
Sometimes it is too late to take chances.
And sometimes you have to take them. Even when you know in the end that there might be a slight hint that it wouldn’t work.
I haven’t spoken to her in months. I cut all ties. Occasionally she texts me and asks me how things are or why things happen or why I refuse to negotiate some sort of speaking or friendship terms. And my reply : “I cant”.
I cant talk to someone who will manipulate what we had. One day its cold and the next time its hot. You can never tell with her. I don’t need someone like that in my life. I am not into games. I am not (again) in the mind set to do so. I’ve done my part and played along and pretended that everything was okay and I believed her every time when she told me that it is me that she wanted. I took in her countless apologies. I chewed them, swallowed her mistake and walked with pride.
In fact it wasn’t pride.
It was shame.
I will never say that I wasted three years of my life with her. But I will say this: I should have known what I was getting myself into. I never knew then what I knew now. I never knew that I would have fallen in love with a woman, got my heart broken and took her back many times. It was a cycle. In my mind at the time it was what it was. I chose that path as some would say. I chose her. I dealt with her and managed to succumbed to her ways.
In a way it is my fault. Also hers.
Now, I can’t get her out of my head. Part of me needs her. Still. The other part thinks that it is too late.
I don’t know if I still love her. I don’t know if the same feelings I had are still there…hidden somewhere. I don’t want to see her because of that. I am afraid the feelings I once had will resurface.
I am sure many of you have been in situations like mine and didn’t know how to deal. Perhaps some of you have managed to control those awful feelings.
Perhaps you are what I need right now. My answers can be found right in front of me.
I am waiting.
So many chances were taken, so many time I’ve felt like I was at the end of my rope and other times I wanted to give more of myself. Even knowing I would have gotten my heart broken way too much. The Pearl wasn’t a great person to be in a relationship with. Everyone around me knew that. I was so drawn to her and I couldn’t escape what I felt for her.
Sometimes it is too late to take chances.
And sometimes you have to take them. Even when you know in the end that there might be a slight hint that it wouldn’t work.
I haven’t spoken to her in months. I cut all ties. Occasionally she texts me and asks me how things are or why things happen or why I refuse to negotiate some sort of speaking or friendship terms. And my reply : “I cant”.
I cant talk to someone who will manipulate what we had. One day its cold and the next time its hot. You can never tell with her. I don’t need someone like that in my life. I am not into games. I am not (again) in the mind set to do so. I’ve done my part and played along and pretended that everything was okay and I believed her every time when she told me that it is me that she wanted. I took in her countless apologies. I chewed them, swallowed her mistake and walked with pride.
In fact it wasn’t pride.
It was shame.
I will never say that I wasted three years of my life with her. But I will say this: I should have known what I was getting myself into. I never knew then what I knew now. I never knew that I would have fallen in love with a woman, got my heart broken and took her back many times. It was a cycle. In my mind at the time it was what it was. I chose that path as some would say. I chose her. I dealt with her and managed to succumbed to her ways.
In a way it is my fault. Also hers.
Now, I can’t get her out of my head. Part of me needs her. Still. The other part thinks that it is too late.
I don’t know if I still love her. I don’t know if the same feelings I had are still there…hidden somewhere. I don’t want to see her because of that. I am afraid the feelings I once had will resurface.
I am sure many of you have been in situations like mine and didn’t know how to deal. Perhaps some of you have managed to control those awful feelings.
Perhaps you are what I need right now. My answers can be found right in front of me.
I am waiting.
No...
Move on...
If you give in, the cycle will just keep going.
-tiff