Confessions.of.a.NYC.Lezie

I like to keep it anonymous as possible, thus any references to my day job are as few as possible. But in this case I feel as if my hands are tied, because for the first time in a 1-year I actually had a lot of fun at our conferences. So some of the highlights watered down as much as possible.

1. We had it in a hot place. And it was hot.

2. The planes, both coming and going were on time. This is big, since I've been flying around almost twice a month.

3. I thought I had to room with someone. In fact, I did not. This is huge, because when I'm in hotels I have a tendency to want to walk around either naked, or in the yummy bathrobe the entire time. Also, the room was huge, with the best bed I've ever slept in - better than the Washington DC Ritz. PR lady actually bought one of the pillows, it was so good.

4. The bathroom, which was roughly the size of our NYC conference room, had a jacuzzi tub and a TV. You bet your sweet ya-ya NYC lezie got in that tub with a glass of wine and watched reruns of 'sex and the city' one night after the meetings.

5. Got a massage on the company. Looking like a mental patient high on crack afterward in front of your colleagues: priceless.

6. Witnessed the relatively high-profile CEO of the company karaoke 'Natural Woman’, among other tunes. This is entirely out of character. Those of my faithful readers who know where I work will surely be amused at the visual.

7. After we closed down the Monday night party, went to the lobby bar and got sponsored (my lexicon for someone buying me a drink) by the head of one of the departments I work with. Said sponsor was also uncharacteristically funny during her time up at the podium earlier that day. Now have crush on unfortunately married head of department.

8. Had some Cubans with a new recruit in another department. Again, married. This is NYC Lezie's luck.

9. Spoke French with my personal Haitian driver.

10. Didn't have to sit in my stuffy office for the past three days.

Yes, I did work.

Alcohol units: um, a lot.
Cuban cigars: 2 1/2.
Weight gain: 20,000 lbs (well that’s what it feels like)
Pieces of roast lamb: 3. (See above)
Pieces of sushi: lots
Office gossip units: A LOT!!! Now I know the 411 on who is fucking who.

A hoy from Atlanta!!!

I am away on business in Atlanta - it is my 4th time here in the past 5 months. I am not a big fan of Atlanta but I always volunteer to head to no man’s land just to get away from NYC.

I went out last night to this local hangout where all the sales reps go after work for HH. I walked in and it was a complete carbon copy of the Canal Room (NYC lounge type bar type music venue). Everything was the same, from the colors of the sofas to the exterior décor. BUT big difference is that the people who were there were a bunch of Bush lovers/ I hate gay people/give me my Budweiser (not even a fucking Guinness – a bunch of pussies). I go up the bar and order me some good ole’ rum and coke. I sat down at the bar and drinks kept flowing, the tab got bigger, I got happier, I didn’t care who was a Bush Lover or who drunk some Bud. It was a blissful moment.

This brings me to TLC's life Lesson – Nothing can ruin a career faster than an office party.

No no no…I didn’t get drunk to the point where I couldn’t walk, talk or piss by myself. My co-worker did. I think you might have enjoyed it better if it was I who was incapable of keeping my head straight. I’ve never seen someone get fired so quickly. Apparently our outing and his behavior got back to the big guy and he was told that his next flight was at 9am. OUCH! I actually don’t know what he did or what he said to have caused his ass to be fired, but somehow he redeemed himself within 20 minutes. All I saw was some tears, some pleading, hand raising and lip movements - “you fucking idiot”

It worked. He was ready for the 9:30 meeting - dressed in his best suit, his hair combed a la superman and his eyes as red as a ripe tomato from NYC’s finest Farmers’ Market.

I reminded myself that there is in fact some major ass kissing to be done if anything happens to me. I need to learn how to bullshit my way out of trouble. It’s on my to do list. No worries. I know when and where to keep my mouth shut and when to stop the rum and cokes.
He still has to learn the art of being drunk in a corporate setting but the idiot mastered the art of bull-shitting and ass-kissing.