It seems that every night when I go for my last stogue for the night, I imagine my future, I reflect on the past and present, (Take a drag) I examine every little bit of what life has to offer and finally…(exhale) I am confused.
Every time I lean on my window, staring at the stars, I feel empty. I have goals. I have ambitions and yet, I am not complete. Strange.
I know people would die to be in my shoes, or so they say. I tend to be quite radical with that. I’ve come across pretty good professional liars and I’ve learned my lesson. You see, TRUST is such a strong, liberating, profound word and yet, I take it for granted (one more drag, long deep release of smoke through my nasal canals and I feel high).
I wonder if my neighbors think I am crazy because I talk to myself. Hmmm…
Lost…
What am I doing with my life? (drag)
On the other hand, I'm fine. Content. true.(Exhale)
hmmm? (Drag)
Ha! And I always thought it was perfection. (Exhaling slowly, realizing that once again I am talking to myself: shit!)
I can only walk forward. Don’t look back, because it might just be what you don’t want to see.
What are the probabilities that I might be an editor? 1 out a 192837384978347565765389783? I work for Newsweek don’t I? Ok. 2 out of a 287324874378973458938797538.
Oh boy! What about a writer? Scratch that.
(Fighting for that one last bit of drag, perhaps it will be my omen)
(Exhale)
Posted in:
Dreams,
New Start,
Work
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Gravity can mean a lot of things – sometimes absurd things like love. Gravity to me, at this point in my life means finding some sense and meaning to my life. I need gravity to keep me stable to the ground or I should say – sky. Sometimes I feel like I am not in reality and only seeing the world as a picturesque daydream.
I have this invisible metaphorical rope pulling me in every direction. Right now I feel like I am being pulled and tugged across hidden valleys, incredible mountains, across oceans and right back to solid grounds. What does it all means? Indecisiveness. Confusion. Lost.
I need that gravity. I need some sort of sign to lead me where I should be going. But honestly, what I am looking for is pulling against me in a way. The one thing I want the most has been taken, the least that I can do is pull myself away from it for now – forever. I feel like I am begging, begging to be heard but I can’t. I have never used gravity in a sense where it was my only hope. Gravity is my enormity.
The other night (in my dreams) she married her woman. For some reason I was there, standing next to her friends, crying as I saw my life crumbling before my eyes. In my pocket was a wedding ring- my grandmother’s. I stood among some guests as her woman made her way down the aisle, my eyes full of tears, which kept creeping down my face because I knew that she was no longer the one. Instead of me walking to the altar and hearing the wedding bells ringing and seeing her glorious face at the end of that carpet – I was a guest. I watched her waiting for the love of her life as I was waiting for my life to end.
My dreams are sometimes harsh. Sometimes they are so real and scary. But that wedding dream was a wake up call – literally. I was there, the ring in my pocket. I had my hands in my pocket to make sure that it was safe and I would play with it – running my finger tip along the edge of the diamond, circling it to the point where my finger burned. It just seemed nearly impossible to hold myself. She looked my way a few times and turned her eyes to her prize possession walking.
She was gone. Gone for good. It feels like once someone gets married your chance to carpe diem is lost. And so I fell back in my chair and watched her say goodbye to me with her “I do”. I nodded. I woke up hurt like it really happened. I cried.
I am not even too sure why I was there, but I was. The worst thing EVER was that she had no idea how I felt. She saw the tears as me being happy, she saw my eyes and never wondered. I think her not knowing hurt me even more.
I just need one gentle push. Instead of me wondering what I am doing so wrong I need that guidance. I don’t want to be the pilot with a broken heart, I want reality, I need time, I need to wake up and not have to worry about my dreams and what they really mean, I need gravity.
Posted in:
Dreams,
Love
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