Thursday, January 10, 2008
As I am sitting at my desk, I thought, hmm….I need to confess to something. Before I say it, it is something absolutely secretive. Not a single soul knows this except for its creator – me.
Moving on, I have a guilty pleasure. No, it isn’t the silver bullet. Get your mind out of there. Ok ok, come back….go south and never look up. Good. Circles. Nice circles.
Got it?
Never mind
You know, my guilty pleasure has gotten me in a lot of trouble in the past with my non-fanatical-non-addicted soul to its competitors.
It gets harder and harder to restrain my hand from reaching, deep…. deep in the black cave…
…to find my wallet and pull out three shiny quarters and hand them over to my Greek gentleman.
There. It takes quarters – three to be exact to satisfy my lust for that delicious wet essence.
It satisfies me like no other. It runs through my veins, pumping energy and leaving me breathless, wanting more…craving even more.
I am addicted to coffee.
Not just any coffee. The one on 57th and 8th. The one my Greek Gentleman serves me.
For only three shiny quarters.
I’ve been a victim for years now. The big corporation called Starbucks will never have my soul.
Never.
Posted in:
All about me,
Letters,
Love,
Thoughts,
Vulgarity
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This morning I was trading e-mails with L.A. dude (because I have nothing else better to do - really), He has a girlfriend whom he adores and wants to eventually marry and procreate and have minis running around his white picket fence house in suburbia. Also he is parlaying this into a job as one of my non-paid therapist/counselors on issues of the same sex. As always, he was telling me to be bold and pick up the phone and I gave him a ton of reasons not to, which is one of my favorite things to do, next to working out and drinking wine.
He wrote “ it’s like going on a job interview, once the date is over, you need to follow up and thank her for having dinner and drinks.”
And because I am me: amusing, clever, charming and cute and all the nice words in the dictionary – combined with my boredom at work I had to write a sample of such a note.
Dear Madam –
Thank you for taking the time to meet with me. I enjoyed speaking with you about your life and how my skills and experience would fit with your unmet relationship desires. Your intrepid dream for the future, coupled with your very adorable smile and height, makes you exactly the kind of woman to whom I would like to offer my services.
I am sure that I would surpass your expectations if given the chance to assume the position of Girlfriend. I understand that there is a trial period what will range from several dates to many months, depending on a combination of said skills. During this period, I will be acting as a freelancer, keeping my options open to explore girlfriend alternatives to ensure that you provide me with the greatest balance of comfort versus excitement. Once this training period is over and we have mutually determined our match, I expect full benefits and an investment on your part in my future happiness.
Should you have any further questions about my qualifications which are not limited to, micro-waving, kissing, being supportive, making you feel like a WOMAN when you are really acting like a two year old spoiled brat, back-rubbing, laughing at your lame jokes, listening and displaying an above-average knowledge of beer and a basic knowledge of lesbian terms, feel free to contact me by e-mail, cell, text message, blackberry, IM, Morse Code, pigeon messenger or smoke signal.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Many thanks,
NYC.Lezie
Posted in:
Dating,
Letters,
Random Musings
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D ear Mr. Rainmaker,
I really hate to bother you with this but I am having an extremely bad hair day due to the hurricane-Like rainfall as well as your strong wind. My hair was as perfect as it can be on a Monday morning minus the rushed hair bun but essentially cute and appropriate for a stormy weather. Alas, my hair is as repulsively ugly as a wet cat. Oh speaking of wet cat. I am soaked to my underwear. THANK YOU.
Besides that, my outfit today, complimented the weather: Jeans, Raincoat, 65 dollars rain boots, which by the way, didn’t do any justice to my jeans since the rain penetrated the boots through the top where there was a slight opening between my shins and the boots and thus resulted in having wet socks, wet jeans, wet raincoat and a broken umbrella. It was a bummer. I shall now spend another 10 dollars on an umbrella. I refuse to pay more than that because I actually believe that you do this on purpose. Do you find any satisfaction in us spending money on umbrellas?
I know you created the Nor’easter and I am not too sure if you may be mad at the environment, us perhaps? You tell me. I am sorry I burn so much electricity, I am sorry I take advantage to the nice weather and cook barbecues and light bonfires. I am truly sorry the ozone layer is as thin as an aluminum foil sheet, and everything is melting and species are becoming extinct, but really, I am sorry.
Would you mind if I ask you one more question? I guess not. But anyway, do you ever care about the damage that you may cause with your strong winds and your rain falling? This morning I woke up to find no electricity in the entire house, my basement was inundated, somehow my car got flooded. I had to call the special vacuum people to come and suck all the water that you purposely threw at us. Also, thanks to you, the NJ transit does not operate if there are strong winds and rainfalls. My commute to work was long, I felt like crying the entire hour and a half I waited patiently for the train and I am really disappointed in you. Really. I am.
If you find this letter safe and dry, I hope you take into consideration that I, and I am pretty sure the entire coastal area of NY and NJ are as disappointed as I am at you.
Perhaps you should consider taming your winds and absolutely change your rainfall from hurricane status to something more prissy- like rain showers and I’d also settle for a gentle breeze instead of that tornado wind you had the past two days. That way, I wouldn't have to swim to work and I can look somewhat dazzling and not have to worry about looking like I just came back from a fishing trip.
With great sincerity,
C. - A New Jersey Resident.
Posted in:
Letters,
Random Musings
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