Confessions.of.a.NYC.Lezie

To the Unsuspecting Woman of the W. 53rd St New York Sports Club,

Do you realize the terror I must have experienced around 600 this morning, August 21st, 2007.I hope for you that that your intention was NOT to parade through the women's locker room, wearing nothing but your birthday suit.

I have to admit, It seemed that you were too preoccupied with checking your voicemail and obsessing about something or other in your highly pms state, to comprehend that you had left your towel in the locker. I hope It was a purely innocent move on your part, as you gallivanted to the shower, all saggy tits and pubes. You should be fully aware of the trauma you may have caused some of us, having no choice but to stare unabashedly at your slightly unmanicured bush.

It's times like these, dear woman, that you should appreciate the need for regular waxings.

I noticed that your faux pas was unnoticed until you reached the shower, looked down and said "fuck". You did try to redeem yourself by grabbing a towel on your way back to the locker, in order to not subject ME to double the pleasure of your nubile self.

Woman of 53rd street, I hope you are on your way to get a Brazilian, some lipo, and a tit lift.

Sincerely,


NYC.Lezie.

Dear Marketing Genius at Nike,

The other day I was walking down the street, in a hurry to get somewhere. While passing your beautiful flagship store on 57th street, I came across this sign in the window...

Some lady running in some fancy tank and shorts and it said “someone who is busier than you is running right now”

and it made me stop dead in my tracks. I started thinking about all the "important" things in my life; family, friends, work, drinking, sleeping, sexing it up, blogging (Okay I kinda felt like I had to say the blogging part, just so you all know I care). I realized that yes, I could be spending my precious time concerning my self with all those silly things, but this clearly wasn't just a sign. It was a SIGN.

Suddenly, I felt the urge to stop what I was doing, drop everything, ditch the person I was with and go into your store and spend upwards of a couple hundred dollars on a new pair of shoes, socks, shorts, sports bra, tank top, zip up jacket and wrap around sunglasses to kick off my new purpose driven life. Oh, and throw in one of Nike + iPod sport kits too, so I can have some tunes and listen to running tutorials while I'm out pounding the pavement.

Meanwhile, someone else who is busier than I am is also, working, saving lives, reading a book, cooking, having sex, blogging, getting their nails done, drinking, finding a cure for diseases, making money, shopping, watching a sports game at a bar with friends.... the list goes on.But who wants to waste their time doing those things? So thanks Nike, for causing me to have this epiphany and making me realized just how fucked up my priorities are.

Regards,

NYC.Lezie

p.s. Actually, I won't be buying your shoes, they suck. The last pair of Nikes I had gave me shin splints. This letter will also serve as my official endorsement for Asics, New Balance and basically any brand that aren't NIKE.

I haven’t done one of these open letters to myself in a long time…

Dear NYC.Lezie,

I know that you are quite taken with- dare I say smitten? – A certain lady who is a great kisser and knows how to pick her cocktails. She is attentive and she is dorky in the best kind of way.

And I can see that the chemistry is there.

That said I encourage you to stop the freefall plunge into attachment just yet. It is perfectly fine to want things to work out. You do deserve a nice woman who is capable of having an adult relationship and have an adult/intelligent conversation (remember your last one? – enough said). But you can’t confuse this lusty flirtation with anything more than the beginnings of a really good crush with fun extracurricular activities.

And until she shows her hand, hold yours close to your own body. Call me cynic, dear, but there is nothing that says that slowly giving into your desires and developing feelings is bad. In fact, truth be told, it is probably much better to take a step back and wait for her next move. You are stuck in the haze, my dear. You are even having inappropriate thoughts about her involvement in your life. Aren’t you? I know you are. And that one about…was fantastic, if I do say so myself.

Make sure she is right before you get attached. Don’t put the dreams of a relationship before the right girl.

Put down the phone. Stop checking it obsessively. And if she doesn’t call, let it be. She may be busy.

Now go, have a Cosmo and stop thinking about her.

Sincerely,

NYC.Lezie.