I have to stop drinking my usual 7 cups of tea a day and my morning and evening espresso Cuban coffee, or else I will not be sleeping at all this year. It’s just that caffeine is so good – especially when you are so tired and perhaps addicted?
On a crazy note, ladies, if you ever want to feel even more cynical about love, sex and relationships, study familial structure. I’ve resigned myself to auctioning off my domestic labor power to the highest bidder. As a woman, I am literally fucked. I might as well be comfortable as I get the shaft from society. I am learning the hard way. not too satisfying. Going once, going twice?? anyone?
It seems that so far 2007/my 24 years on this earth has been fraught with situations that make me acknowledge my “maturation”, and get my head out of the sands of denial that the grown up bus is driving by. Weddings, an internship program that I can’t talk my way out of misery (I’m slacking with my poverty in Latin America research- please say a silent prayer for me), in addition to cutting down on the excess – drinking, partying, and all the other shortcomings I need to overcome with the help of my therapist. Who, by the way, probably gave up on me. “These services aren’t for long term therapy honey” and my favorite, “for someone who is so self-aware…”I interrupt her, “I keep on making the same mistakes, over and over again. Yes, I know this. Why do you think I continue to see you?” My therapist sessions are more about talking crap then anything. Instead of crying like normal people would, I laugh and we crack jokes. She’s like a friend with benefits (my health insurance pays her 500 bucks to listen to my lesbian drama).
I’ve noticed an interesting shift in my relationships ever since I left the women community back in College. Growing up all of my friends were females. Granted they were beer/wine (for the classy French ones), girl-kissing (even the straight ones), pranksters who got as much of a kick out of lighting a fart on fire (not naming any names), as knocking on each other’s doors when we knew someone was having sex. But then I noticed a change when I left the iron gates of women power – women for the most part are bitches, back stabbers, drop you for their girl/boyfriends, say that you look pretty when you look like crap, who whine – but I love them. This is when I began to foray into part-time fag enabling with those possession of y-chromosomes.
These were my platonic friends, and I was their little sister. They bought me beers, protected me from skeevy ladies in bars and cheered me on when I danced on bars and in exchange I offered them a female perspective to their gal/boy problems, and playfully flirted with them when their significant other was being an ass.
Symbiotic relationship.
Until they got married.
I have a very good friend of mine who wants to hang. I really like this kid. She is smart- although ex pot-head, funny, and adorably lovable in that dorky ‘save me’ kind of way. To put it diplomatically because I know she reads it and think her gf may read it too, she and I have a strained relationship. She may thinks I am trying to steal her girlfriend, when all I want to do is hang out with her, without her.
Whether girls want to admit it, your boyfriend/girlfriend is different hanging out with his/her friends than you. He/She is more liberal with the off-color jokes, has a propensity to drink a bit more than usual, and tends to be a lot more honest, especially when talking about you. Often times I’ve been subjected to seeing my friends leashed by the constraints of their girlfriends/boyfriends, toning down their behavior, keeping conversation neutral, and forgetting the people that made me want to be friends with them in the beginning.
So my point—I think I just needed to rant. Part of my frustration fuelled that I missed the relationship boat here – actually maybe not. Or maybe it is the prospect of spending an entire weekend with a person not because I want to, but because of the symbolism of the ring that sits on the third finger of one of my good friend’s left hand. Or maybe, I am just grasping for straws, since I am too lazy to be help accountable to my memory and recant the rest of birthday week—complete with the $1000+ bar tab and a promise to buy a drug dealer Freakonomic next time I saw him. Oh god I kid you not. Only in NYC.
But those stories will have to wait. When I am more mentally adept, and haven’t had the productivity bored our of me. Try reading a few thousand pages about poverty and immigration laws by the same three authors and then get back to me. Instead of being mature and tackling my work, knocking the shit out—I’ve reverted back to my escapist ways, and spent the last few hours of last night dancing around my room in my hot new undies ( I heart boyshorts) listening to ***** ( I can’t say – you’ll make fun) and watching trashy reality tv. While I look at the unread journal articles whose pages still have not been turned yet.
I seriously need to lay off the caffeine after 8pm, and/or find the motivation to do my work.
Posted in:
Caffeine,
Random
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I remember back in 2003 when I started to blog first on Xanga and now Blogspot about random things (I know, it was a long time ago) and being the 1. Exhibitionist 2. Rant(er) 3. Blind sheep that I was I had to jump on that bandwagon and I really never actually gave a reason to why I blog.
So before homeland security goes through the internet and thinks that this blog is set up by some detainee in Gitmo or the Chinese version in Siberia (or is that Russia...where do the Chinese put their angry political prisioners?), trying to make Americans sympathetic to my un-natural communist or otherwise cause...sorry to burst your bubble Mr. Rumsfeld. But how about becomming sympathetic to my cause.My life for the last few years since I started blogging has been living in my own personal bubble, strapped to a guerney (sp) where the powers that be use Chinese water torture to make me submit/tear my intelligence down.But what is sick is reading my friends post, they all have something in common, this need to vent about college/post college/ quarter-life crisis of sorts. We all have the same complaints, asked to do meanial tasks, to kiss the ass of someone to make them happy. You know how the old adage goes "College is the best years of your life?" Well no shit. And if you think about why...as humanbeings we are social creatures. We needed to be social for the survival of our species, so you had extended families taking care of each others children, people working together to put food on the table. Your family was your safety net. College is quite similar, in order to navigate the trenches of being on your own for the first time, you form these social groups that mimic familial ties...some over zealous students even get a pet...and you know that after the first week you are asking your friends to help you take care of/hide it from resident life. Or remember (for those who were on dry campuses) when you had parties and once the R.A. knocked on your door, you hid the red cups and hope your family never peeped a word about you drinking?
However, once we get into the "real world" a world that in fact did not exist 100 years ago ( I have proof)...we are no longer allowed to live in social sphere that we humans thrive upon. No instead we pay a shit load of money for apts where you cram as many people in to make your rent cheaper, I think I saw an ad on craigslist for a bathtub for $600 a month, prime Greenwich Village location. Work long hours where we live in cubicles and drink shit corporate coffee or if we do get an opportunity to be somewhat social (in HR called being a team player) it is with people who you dont like and all you can do is speak in netral HR speak so they dont figure out just how much you hate them. Extended familial ties? Good friends?? Not when you are in your 20's and single in NYC. My bestest friends live all over the country (fine SI (hi Tiff)/NJ/MA most of them and one in Italy) and my life in NY/NJ consists of going to the gym, and going out partying (which really consists of me getting pissed drunk, embarassing myself, and then dancing on a table top/bar somewhere until I sober up enough to realize that I should be on the NJ transit) I mean – working hard at the office...
I don't want to sound like the utopian in this blogsphere (Voltaire anyone?) but truth is, in an optimistic light, it is not impossible to get those things we do want. If we do give up all those things that human ambitions drive us to acquire and create this divide-and-conquer mentality of a social structure, we do get back those things we miss and love.But frankly a lot of it is self-inflicted. It was our ambition that drove us to move to large cities thousands of miles or even hundred of miles away from home – well I am from NYC so practically 2 miles away from home, our sense of curiosity. If a society didn't permit that, or didn't encourage it (hmm communist china 30 years ago) we would WANT it. It is an incorrigible human flaw. How can we change this? I don't think we can.Now obviously this applies on a level where our choice matters, if we were trabajadors de maquilladoras, its a whole different problem, and it also becomes our guilt, those of us creating and perpetuating this system that renders us miserable for selfish reasons, and renders them impoverished and in dangerous careers.Oh god. No solution...
I am actually laughing about what I have just written rather than hitting myself in the head for writing this. I swear I don’t have a hangover. I just think like this everyday.
Posted in:
Growing up,
Random,
Work
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Magazine Editor-In-Chief
Ambitious. Driven. Valedictorian. Do these words sound familiar? Calling you an over-achiever would be a huge understatement. Besides, you've probably known what you've wanted to do since you were like twelve and were the first person in your class to get a PalmPilot. Someone like you would
never waste their time in a dead-end field. You need a fast-paced environment with lots of room for advancement and personal recognition. And what better way to show everyone just how much you rock than with your own byline and eventually your own magazine. You could so rule the world of publishing, that is.
---first of all I was totally bored and took this career test and look what I got...seriously...can it be any more a slap in the face??then again, it was from that 13 going on 30 website.
Posted in:
Random,
Thoughts
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Today I am not feeling too creative and so I’ll just write about my birthday and what the heck…it’s my birthday and I’ll cry if I want to…cry if I want to…
Woke up this morning to the lovely sound of the Amazon forest: monkeys, birds, rivers, trees dancing to the rhythm of the wind… ya know…whatever you find in the Amazon. It was damn worth it. I did pay 20 bucks for that sound of nature CD. By the way, remember when CDs used to cost 20 bucks +? I was recently at Virgin and I wanted to get a DVD and like I always do, I went to the music section to see what was new and my mouth dropped when I saw the price of CDs now – they are less than 14 bucks!!!
Anyway, I got up, turned off the sound and turned on my Ipod and went to the bathroom (I always listen to music when I get dress and sadly I end up dancing around my room in my undies looking for clothes to wear and of course I am always late). I checked myself out in the mirror and glanced over to my makeup section and saw that my parents left me a card. I smiled, I opened it and plane tickets slipped out and fell onto the floor. I finished the card in less than 2 seconds – my parents have the habit of not writing much. I picked up the tickets and I saw that they were open tix for the Dominican Rep. I’ve been there a couple of times to play tennis but I haven’t been there on vacation. So I get to go to DR for a weekend with someone (2 tix)…whom shall I go with??
Got dressed to Rihanna’s umbrella song – I am clearly obsessed. Its ok. I had it on repeat and I didn’t dance I was too focused on getting dressed – for once. FYI, I look amazing today!!! I got a couple of catcalls here and there on my way to work, which I responded with a killer stare. C’mon who else can pull off a white suit??
Got to the office – opened my door and there…beautiful white daisies on my desk. I really wish I knew who sent them to me. It’s the second time. Geez reveal thyself. Please.
I got a couple of cards from the office peeps…scored a free lunch with the editorial department and a free happy hour on the company. Then again, its always a free happy hour for me since I use the company’s card. Shhh…
My day is still going. I feel old but good.
Posted in:
Random Musings
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Tomorrow I am turning 24. I cringe when I say it. I think about getting older – looking older with gray hair and winkles and veiny (is that even a word?) hands and then I think how much wiser I will be, or how amazing it would be to have achieved my goals or even perhaps looking like Meryl Streep from the Devil Wears Prada. I want to age gracefully. I am obviously exaggerating with the whole looking older – I am only turning 24. This morning I woke up and noticed how young I look. So that’s a plus. I am sure when I will wear my birthday dress tomorrow I will look in the mirror and cry with pity. I’ve got a couple of parties here and there. This week and next week. I must know a lot of Gemini peeps. I have to make a casual appearance to two of them – 20 min max. BUT as far as personal parties – nothing planned. Hopefully no one will surprise me with some extravagant party like last year. This year I am actually not in the mood for any celebration. Party Pooper title gladly taken here with no shame. All I really want to do is go sailing. I want to learn how to sail this year – really. I love water, I love boats, I love that rocking feeling when you are on a boat, I love the smell of the ocean and seeing the sunset on the horizon. Back in HS I dated a trust fund guy who owned a sailboat and he would sail for weeks at a time along the coastline. I thought he was the coolest person on earth. Yes-I dated a boy in H.S., I even went to the prom with him – because I couldn’t bring a girl (although I probably wouldn’t have asked a girl to accompany me) and plus he was my BFF and still is. We both went to different Schools – I was in NYC and he went overseas to some Italian boarding school (I wont give you his name – but here is a clue – His family make a very very very pricey Italian sports car) So we rarely saw each other and it was more of a friendship thing than anything. He was the first kid I knew who had a black Amex. My parents don’t even have that!!! Anyway – he is a cutie with a sailboat. I envy him. He is also the kind of guy who is just too suave…and all the girls (he only dates models now) fall instantly for him not because he has money or his last name (if you saw him on the street, you wouldn’t know he had money) but because he is a good-looking guy. But anyway…big 2-4 tomorrow. Nothing to worry about I guess. When I turn 25 then I’ll start to worry and cry about being a quarter of a century old.
Posted in:
Random Musings
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At some point in our lives, we all have been guilty of having one or two rebound relationships. Rebounds are a safe way for us to let go of the person we were with and also an easier way to get our minds off of the ex.
But is a good thing?
I guess it depends on each person. Whether you like having someone there to constantly remind you that you are loved, or having someone there to make you feel better about being alone. Either way, to me, I think is ludicrous. It's like a puppy that needs constant love.
The other night I was having dinner with the writer, and we spoke about rebound girlfriends. We both admitted to having these affairs but we would have never admitted such actions at the time. I don’t think someone can sit here and say, yes, I kinda feel lonely; I want to be with someone…just for the hell of it. I sort of brush the subject to the side. I've had a few. I've had enough relationships to realize what is wrong and what is right.
It is called growth.
After each break ups, I found myself yearning for the same attraction and passion I shared with an ex, and to me, the only way I can end my search is to be with someone, not because I care about them but because I want to satisfy that hunger.
I think there might be a general rule of “how long you can stay single before you get involved with someone else”. I guess people would agree with me, the longer you wait, the better you will feel about yourself. You learn your faults and you look back at your previous relationship and see what went wrong. I think breaks (right after a break-up) are made for that.
Jumping from one relationship to another is like setting yourself up for another breakup because you are just going to repeat the same mistakes you've made with the ex. And it becomes a pattern.
I am neither a psychologist nor a therapist, but it doesn't take a genius to realize that people repeat the same mistakes when they don't sit down and think.
Jumping from one relationship to another is not a smart thing to do. It just proves to others that you are not happy being alone. There is nothing wrong with being alone. I think people need to be alone sometimes. It clears the mind. I am all for taking breaks.
I guess everyone moves on differently. Some fast and easy and others slowly.
"It takes no time to fall in love, but it takes you years to know what love is..."
so…
…Can I get an AMEN!
Posted in:
Dating,
Relationships
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Oh Good Lord it is Friday!!!! Not much is planned for the weekend but so far here is what I have…
Tonight – Super cool outing with a bunch of my straight girlies – staying local (McFads in midtown and probably finish the night at Saloon on the Upper East)
Saturday – Heading to my first tennis practice after the Hospital incident. For those of you who don’t know, I do play tennis for a certain country. Right now, I am probably the worst player in the league but who cares…it’s fun and I get to travel…Really gay huh?!? That’s usually how I get my ladies. I swing a little “I play tennis, I moan and sweat, wanna see me play” not exactly using these words…but ya get my drift.
Sunday – scored some major Mets tickets, kick ass seats right behind 3rd base. Sweeeeet. I will be boozing with my pops and stuffing my face with chips and hot dogs.
Everyone I know (NJ peeps) are heading to the Asbury Pride this Sunday and I will be watching a sweet game at Shea. I am not a huge fan of Pride. Every year it is the exact same response. I get really excited about it because I get to be around other GLBTs and it feels like home and every year I get disappointed.
When I came out in HS, It was a brand new beginning- new persona…gay belt around my waist, bandana rainbow flag tightly wrapped on my head, rainbow bracelets safely worn around my wrists and any other paraphernalia that will show that “yes I am gay”- I would stand among other GLBT and show my pride with screams which can be heard across the river.
Now, 8 years after my first tentative steps from the closet, I don't find Pride festivals as significant anymore. First of all – I don’t bear any of the old gay gear; I just show up, drink and be merry. I don’t need to tell people that I am who am anymore. That phase of wearing everything gay is long gone.
Every year I tell myself that I will not go to Pride because I don’t see a point and clearly I get bored with the same floats. I still manage to go, for no other reason than to be counted and of course to see the dykes on bikes and PFLAG. BUT BUT BUT Excuse me while I don my bitter hat -- Pride Parades lately seem much more about see-and-be-seen than an actual expression of individual or group pride. Sometimes I think it's really just a huge cruise-fest, where generally attractive women/men remove their shirts in their bids for attention while less "attractive" women are all too happy to lavish such attention on them. (I use "attractive" in a community standards sense of the word, which is horrible, because gay community standards are ridiculous.) Sure, lesbians are proud of being lesbians... and gays are proud to be gay.
Once upon a time, I went to Pride because I wanted to be among people who didn't make me feel like a freak, an outsider, a pariah. I no longer feel like an outcast every day. Sometimes, though, one comes to miss the affirmation -- the kind that comes only to the insecure -- when one has truly become comfortable with the skin she's in.I am not against being naked and showering oneself with bottled water while floating in the air and barely wearing undies. But is that showing pride?
Posted in:
GLBT
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