Alumni Magazine
Friday, April 27, 2007
T here is one thing that I enjoy getting in the mail these days besides coupons for my cigarettes, is my college magazine. It is where I have to read paragraphs after paragraphs about the graduates of the class of 2005 and the years and years below who are off doing spectacularly amazing things. I.e.: X '95 is currently Chief of Neurology at New York Presbyterian Hospital. X is currently engaged to Y (Yale '93) who is a lawyer at “idontgiveafuck”. Or to see who the hell is knocked up or dead.
I always proclaimed out loud, “what a total kiss ass bitch she/he is!!” within the first few pages. It is almost addictive as the New York Times Sunday wedding announcements. Yes – I do read them.
They probably email the alum office and say something like this:
“Good Evening/Morning Madam,
I would like to Announce to the Alumni Committee that I am chief of the neurology dept here at NYPH and I’ve graduated top of my class from Cornell with a quadruple-masters in blah blah blah and I’d like to be featured on your cover. Would you mind printing my name in bold – extra large Trebuchet MS and capitalize all letters in CHIEF OF NEUROLOGY DEPT AT NYPH? If I can be of any help during commencement, please do not hesitate to ring me. Thank you
Best,
Dr. Leslie B. DDS. RN. A.S.S. (Whatever they have after their names to sound smart)”
I’m sure the email is super long and describes whatever they do every day and probably embellish a whole lot to make it sound appealing to the future grads like they give a F**K.I have toyed with the idea of fucking with the editor of the magazine and pulling a sort of Romy and Michelle's by faking something totally outrageous. But since the editor is someone I interned for during my college years AND the school is Nun infested and I sure don’t want to be banished to hell. Well nevermind, since i'm already on my way there.
Yet secretly, despite my mockeries of the alumni magazine, I know I’ve yearned to see my name in the spotlight... but not for something lame.
I always proclaimed out loud, “what a total kiss ass bitch she/he is!!” within the first few pages. It is almost addictive as the New York Times Sunday wedding announcements. Yes – I do read them.
They probably email the alum office and say something like this:
“Good Evening/Morning Madam,
I would like to Announce to the Alumni Committee that I am chief of the neurology dept here at NYPH and I’ve graduated top of my class from Cornell with a quadruple-masters in blah blah blah and I’d like to be featured on your cover. Would you mind printing my name in bold – extra large Trebuchet MS and capitalize all letters in CHIEF OF NEUROLOGY DEPT AT NYPH? If I can be of any help during commencement, please do not hesitate to ring me. Thank you
Best,
Dr. Leslie B. DDS. RN. A.S.S. (Whatever they have after their names to sound smart)”
I’m sure the email is super long and describes whatever they do every day and probably embellish a whole lot to make it sound appealing to the future grads like they give a F**K.I have toyed with the idea of fucking with the editor of the magazine and pulling a sort of Romy and Michelle's by faking something totally outrageous. But since the editor is someone I interned for during my college years AND the school is Nun infested and I sure don’t want to be banished to hell. Well nevermind, since i'm already on my way there.
Yet secretly, despite my mockeries of the alumni magazine, I know I’ve yearned to see my name in the spotlight... but not for something lame.
y'know i used to like getting my HS alumni newsletter till i tried submitting an "update" announcing my impending nuptials only to have it left out 3 times. the facist catholic bastards refused to print it.
figures.
They need to open their eyes and embrace/love everyone. wasn't what Jesus' preached about?