Confessions.of.a.NYC.Lezie

In honor of Thirsty Thursday

Drunk dialing is great because 1) the person you chose to dial is either someone you don’t really know, hardly talk to or someone you sorta don’t like but you want to rub it in their faces that you are cool and out drinking with cool friends. 2) If you are the drunk dialer you are very honest to the drunk dialee – you reveal things about yourself that you probably would never mention sober. 3) Alcohol gives you balls to do the impossible, like calling the person you have a crush on. 4) It demonstrates you have social obligations (happy hour with friends/coworkers) and it proves that you aren’t the loser at work/school everyone tries to stay away from.

Now mastering the Art of Drunk-Dialing/texting is a very, I repeat very complicated thing. Take notes. Print it. Memorize it.

The Rules are as followed:

1)When you have the urge to dial, never put your drink down.
2)Scroll through your address book.
3)I would suggest to make a drunk dialing group in your address book (when sober)
4)Tell your friends that you are heading out for some fresh air.
5)Fresh air means fake smoking, bum a cigarette – huff and puff but do not inhale. I don’t want you to eventually die. I’d feel bad. Actually no. I don’t care.
6)With a drink in your right hand, cigarette dangling on your lip, maneuver the index finger and gently (you will find it very hard to hit the green button so try as many times as you want) press the TALK button and put the phone to your ear.
7)Tap your foot on the ground. It helps
8)If no one picks up – say “next”. And dial the next victim
9)Talk. Extensively. Tell them “dude, come to [name of bar] it is so packed, the drinks are cheap and tits are everywhere.”
10) They will have that awkward laugh and say “who is this”
11) Hang up. It’s not a good sign.
12) Remember that cigarette? Flick it. If you can’t, toss it.
13) Walk back in.
14) Have another drink and forget that shit ever happened.

Drunk Texting is similar to Drunk Dialing but if you are highly intoxicated do not attempt it. Texting can be done indoors. That’s the beauty of non-verbal communication. You can be on the Flusher [Hi C!] and they sure wouldn’t know.

1) Find yourself a victim
2)Got one? Then text away.
3) I suggest using T9 if not applicable to your communication device then you are screwed.
4)If you misspelled a word, don’t go back and delete it. Your wasting time.
5) Oh got a text back? Great. Never interrupt a conversation and say, “I am vibrating” it just sounds wrong.
6)Give yourself an excuse to reply. Just say, “it’s my mother” sure it will make you look like an idiot. But who doesn’t pick up when their mom calls. Right?
7)Walk away and take that smile off your face and text your night away.


There are certain people you should never text/call and they are: exes, your boss/manager, your parents, and your old buddy from Jr. High. Don’t call/text anyone whom you have not spoken to in months. It’s just rude. Although it would be ruder if you didn’t call them and ask them how their day went.

Anyway, I hope these were helpful.


Good Luck.