Life is Never....
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
My mom and I had a long conversation about my new view on life the other night after we saw The Skin of Our Teeth. Now I admit I get overly emotional to these kinds of things but my mother has an uncanny ability to sharpen every blow to hit you at the very deepest and most vulnerable place. It makes you want to fight her even if she's right. But then you are left so bruised and dazed that you don't know what to think. You start seeing all your behavior laid out before you in glaring burning letters: selfishness, thoughtlessness, disregard for the feelings of others again and again and again. And I start to doubt my own emotional responses - what is my subconscious agenda? I end up feeling so helpless and worthless and looking at her heart so raw in the face that I become incredibly depressed. It’s hard to get perspective, to grab hold of anything constructive from a place like that. But the other night, I saw another woman – it was not my mother.
I was deeply shaken by Mrs. Antrobus' announcement that "life is never how you hoped it would be, but somehow you go on". I was almost scared to, but I asked my mom if that was true. How horrible if that is true. I do hope I might get SOME of the things I hope for. I'm not asking for fame or fortune, I would just like to curl up at night with a partner who loves me and feel good. I don't see why that wouldn't be possible, it’s not a lot to ask. And to do something that means something to me. That's all I really want. I want it to MEAN SOMETHING and feel good about it. There are people who get that sort of thing. Aren't there?Anyhow it all feeds into my new realization: that you cannot live your life for the end result. It is the journey of life that makes life worth anything. Because you should never quite get there maybe - maybe death should interrupt it all, and then you should say, "Oh I was almost there, but look how far I came!" I don't know.
I saw 'Away From Her' with Julie Christie, who I imagine is the most beautiful woman who ever lived. She has the most profound and untarnishable beauty and grace. I would like to be a woman like that. Her beauty is pervasive, it spreads around her and splashes and spills away from each footstep she makes. Loveliness is a halo around her head and she makes everything lovely by shining upon it.
I would love to be a woman like that.
Its ok if I'm not, but I aspire to that. I suppose you are born with it or you aren't. She was probably that beautiful from birth. I am normally beautiful I suppose, but no more than normal. I am not extraordinary.
I would like to be, but if my exterior is never extraordinary that would be fine.
I was deeply shaken by Mrs. Antrobus' announcement that "life is never how you hoped it would be, but somehow you go on". I was almost scared to, but I asked my mom if that was true. How horrible if that is true. I do hope I might get SOME of the things I hope for. I'm not asking for fame or fortune, I would just like to curl up at night with a partner who loves me and feel good. I don't see why that wouldn't be possible, it’s not a lot to ask. And to do something that means something to me. That's all I really want. I want it to MEAN SOMETHING and feel good about it. There are people who get that sort of thing. Aren't there?Anyhow it all feeds into my new realization: that you cannot live your life for the end result. It is the journey of life that makes life worth anything. Because you should never quite get there maybe - maybe death should interrupt it all, and then you should say, "Oh I was almost there, but look how far I came!" I don't know.
I saw 'Away From Her' with Julie Christie, who I imagine is the most beautiful woman who ever lived. She has the most profound and untarnishable beauty and grace. I would like to be a woman like that. Her beauty is pervasive, it spreads around her and splashes and spills away from each footstep she makes. Loveliness is a halo around her head and she makes everything lovely by shining upon it.
I would love to be a woman like that.
Its ok if I'm not, but I aspire to that. I suppose you are born with it or you aren't. She was probably that beautiful from birth. I am normally beautiful I suppose, but no more than normal. I am not extraordinary.
I would like to be, but if my exterior is never extraordinary that would be fine.
merde putain tu ne m'as même pas prévenu je viens de lire ça aujourd'hui et je pensais que tout allait bien pour toi avec ta maman chou en train de t'éclater au lieu de ça je vois que tu as frôler la mort, j'enrage de ne pas avoir vu ça plus tôt je m'en veux je ne suis pas là quand il le faut je ne sers vraiement à rien, tu dois me trouver inutile au possible, j'éspére qu'aujourd'hui tout va bien et si l'envie te prend de venir en france pour souffler respirer reprendre des forces ma maison est la tienne, tu auras toujours un toit et c'est chez moi je veux que tu t'y sentes comme chez toi. Je ne suis pas assez bien pour pouvoir t'offrir la vie que tu désires mais je peux être un ami et je veux être présent dans tes moments durs, si un jour tu ne sais plus ou aller laisse moi un message je te prends un billet d'avion et tu arriveras directement dans mes bras tu n'auras rien à payer et rien à t'inquiéter c'est une promesse.
Em Chou,
ca ira. tout va bien.
je t'adore my p'tite pucette.
umm. yes. extraordinary.
xo darling.
PS: HH on thurs at Hens.
;)
How about you don't advertise where we go. I might see someone I clearly am running away from. got it??