Oh Dear god. Why me?
Thursday, September 20, 2007
P erhaps you remember the story of The Pearl. During the early days of this blog, I posted about her quite frequently along with stories about E. (Hope). The Pearl and I dated briefly (2years) and broke up this past year. I started a relationship with The Gym Addict and quickly ended it. Her and I began to talk again and we hooked up and she swore that I was the one and reminded me every time we spoke how much she misses me and more. I actually don’t really know what happened a little after to cause us not to speak to one another.
For maybe 5 months we didn’t have any contact with each other, and then segued into a sort of interesting, intense friendship that would become complicated every once in a while due to us fooling around a bit or her telling me how much she liked me and wanted to be with me but then something would possessed her and she would hate me and not talk to me and basically blame the not talking on me.After the 5 months of the glorious silence treatment, she texts me with “ I don’t know what happened between us…” blah blah blah… and from there on, we talked on occasions. But I wouldn’t go out of my way to call her. At the time I was dating different people and so was she and clearly had no interest in seeing one another.
And…One evening in July after work, I invited her to grab a few drinks at Third and Long on the East Side. She accepted and we met, drank, and although there were awkward moments, I still managed to talk to her (even with the interruptions – she insisted on texting her gf and it irritated me but I remained calm). We went outside to smoke a cigarette and the “real” talk began…I told her how much she hurt me in the past and how much I do miss having the relationship we had. I knew was it was gesture doomed to failure. Because she has been in a relationship of convenience with a friend of hers for the past months. And I knew that she may have cared for this girl despite the random “she’s crazy’ outbursts.
She told me that she never cared about me, the relationship we had didn’t count, I didn’t mean anything to her and that she no longer loved me. Which is fine – the part of she no longer loved me. She moved on, I did too and I wasn’t expecting her to still love me, but what shocked me was the “what we had was nothing”. That, my dear friends, was a stab in the heart.
We stopped talking again after that night. That, both saddened and angered me. Because, look, I’m realistic. The Pearl apparently has some intimacy issues and perhaps my big declaration of strong feelings frightened her… But I was unhappy that she had made absolutely no effort to get in touch with me. I mean, a friend with whom you have a pretty strong bond tells you how much you meant to her, and then you just cut her out of your life entirely? Give her a sort of friendly silent treatment? I mean, OK, I realized a while ago that nothing was ever going to happen between her and I. But it would’ve been nice if she could’ve at least said something to the effect of how the relationship we had was meaningful.
I was beginning to wonder if she was some kind of emotional robot. Did she have any feelings whatsoever? And I was starting to think that maybe she just didn’t have any for me, in any sense. Because, from my end, that was the message I was getting.And then, a few weeks ago, we start talking again. She invited me over this past Saturday to hang out at her place and just sorta relax. I spent 3 hours (traffic) to get to her house to find her silent. The only time she spoke to me was when I addressed her. It was fucking awkward. As soon as I arrived her place, she tells me that we are seeing a movie with her neighbors – which is fine but I really wanted to spend some time with her – not her neighbors. The entire time I was there from 4-11:57pm I spent with her neighbors. I was talking more to her them then I was talking to her. Simply because she avoided me in every possible ways.
When she decided that she was tired, we headed to her place. She went to her bedroom, CLOSED the door and said goodnight. I was in the living room on the sofa. And something triggered. I was actually saying to myself – what the fuck is wrong with this girl? I decided to head home that night and endure the commute because I couldn’t get myself to sleep in the same apt as her.
I wasn’t planning on sleeping with her. Not after how she treated me the entire time I visited her. I would have rather spent time talking to her. But it seems though, every time she opened her mouth, it was to talk about the girl she recently broke up with. As a friend, I just listened. But really, what I wanted to do was scream at her and tell her that I didn’t care. And I don’t know, I got home around 3am and this weird feeling came over me. The closest thing I can imagine it being like is if you walk in on your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife in the middle of having sex with somebody else. Like a punch in the gut. Like suddenly realizing that whatever you’ve been offering to this person, especially if it’s a lot, just simply doesn’t mean that much to them.
Did she hold me in such little regard that she was just avoiding contact with me when we could’ve been talking honestly and openly about what had happened? What, if anything, was I to her? And apparently what had happened between us back in the winter either didn’t mean anything to her, or she was just simply going to act that way.
And I kind of lost it. Deleted her from my AIM and my phone list. It’s a little juvenile but I couldn’t help it. All of this felt so permanent. Once you remove somebody from your life and your online friends list, you can’t just have them back whenever you feel like it. You have to send requests.
But I told myself that she didn’t care. So what difference did it make? So, that’s it unless she gets in touch with me.
And maybe it’s better to write her off and just carry on, anyway.
For maybe 5 months we didn’t have any contact with each other, and then segued into a sort of interesting, intense friendship that would become complicated every once in a while due to us fooling around a bit or her telling me how much she liked me and wanted to be with me but then something would possessed her and she would hate me and not talk to me and basically blame the not talking on me.After the 5 months of the glorious silence treatment, she texts me with “ I don’t know what happened between us…” blah blah blah… and from there on, we talked on occasions. But I wouldn’t go out of my way to call her. At the time I was dating different people and so was she and clearly had no interest in seeing one another.
And…One evening in July after work, I invited her to grab a few drinks at Third and Long on the East Side. She accepted and we met, drank, and although there were awkward moments, I still managed to talk to her (even with the interruptions – she insisted on texting her gf and it irritated me but I remained calm). We went outside to smoke a cigarette and the “real” talk began…I told her how much she hurt me in the past and how much I do miss having the relationship we had. I knew was it was gesture doomed to failure. Because she has been in a relationship of convenience with a friend of hers for the past months. And I knew that she may have cared for this girl despite the random “she’s crazy’ outbursts.
She told me that she never cared about me, the relationship we had didn’t count, I didn’t mean anything to her and that she no longer loved me. Which is fine – the part of she no longer loved me. She moved on, I did too and I wasn’t expecting her to still love me, but what shocked me was the “what we had was nothing”. That, my dear friends, was a stab in the heart.
We stopped talking again after that night. That, both saddened and angered me. Because, look, I’m realistic. The Pearl apparently has some intimacy issues and perhaps my big declaration of strong feelings frightened her… But I was unhappy that she had made absolutely no effort to get in touch with me. I mean, a friend with whom you have a pretty strong bond tells you how much you meant to her, and then you just cut her out of your life entirely? Give her a sort of friendly silent treatment? I mean, OK, I realized a while ago that nothing was ever going to happen between her and I. But it would’ve been nice if she could’ve at least said something to the effect of how the relationship we had was meaningful.
I was beginning to wonder if she was some kind of emotional robot. Did she have any feelings whatsoever? And I was starting to think that maybe she just didn’t have any for me, in any sense. Because, from my end, that was the message I was getting.And then, a few weeks ago, we start talking again. She invited me over this past Saturday to hang out at her place and just sorta relax. I spent 3 hours (traffic) to get to her house to find her silent. The only time she spoke to me was when I addressed her. It was fucking awkward. As soon as I arrived her place, she tells me that we are seeing a movie with her neighbors – which is fine but I really wanted to spend some time with her – not her neighbors. The entire time I was there from 4-11:57pm I spent with her neighbors. I was talking more to her them then I was talking to her. Simply because she avoided me in every possible ways.
When she decided that she was tired, we headed to her place. She went to her bedroom, CLOSED the door and said goodnight. I was in the living room on the sofa. And something triggered. I was actually saying to myself – what the fuck is wrong with this girl? I decided to head home that night and endure the commute because I couldn’t get myself to sleep in the same apt as her.
I wasn’t planning on sleeping with her. Not after how she treated me the entire time I visited her. I would have rather spent time talking to her. But it seems though, every time she opened her mouth, it was to talk about the girl she recently broke up with. As a friend, I just listened. But really, what I wanted to do was scream at her and tell her that I didn’t care. And I don’t know, I got home around 3am and this weird feeling came over me. The closest thing I can imagine it being like is if you walk in on your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife in the middle of having sex with somebody else. Like a punch in the gut. Like suddenly realizing that whatever you’ve been offering to this person, especially if it’s a lot, just simply doesn’t mean that much to them.
Did she hold me in such little regard that she was just avoiding contact with me when we could’ve been talking honestly and openly about what had happened? What, if anything, was I to her? And apparently what had happened between us back in the winter either didn’t mean anything to her, or she was just simply going to act that way.
And I kind of lost it. Deleted her from my AIM and my phone list. It’s a little juvenile but I couldn’t help it. All of this felt so permanent. Once you remove somebody from your life and your online friends list, you can’t just have them back whenever you feel like it. You have to send requests.
But I told myself that she didn’t care. So what difference did it make? So, that’s it unless she gets in touch with me.
And maybe it’s better to write her off and just carry on, anyway.
I know. I love you. Fuck her.
xo