Confessions.of.a.NYC.Lezie

Stay with me…I am bored and thought of this when a coworker mentioned her son having sex with a skank (that’s how she said it).

I remember this one time when my brother was fifteen and dating the girl next door - Christina. She came over one day when I was home (because I was such a bad ass that cut class all the time- no I’m lying) and…

I was supposed to check on them every once in a while and make sure she wasn’t going down on him. Last time my mom found them on the couch with her head under a blanket. My brother is very very cool, he's good looking, great at sports, and very good with girls. His girlfriend was quiet, agreeable and completely beautiful. Her parents seem not to worried about her spending the day at her boyfriend's house "watching movies," probably because she is a Good Girl. I think parents forget that Good Girls are really good at doing what they are told.

My mom has read their IM conversations (which is sick, but he did print them out and leave them in the printer?) and they mostly consist of him talking about what they're going to do to each other. She's sent him cell phone pictures of her boobs. Welcome to the club. That shit is fun. But I didn't do that till I was 18 (late bloomer and zach morris phones didnt have cameras).

Maybe this was typical of 15 year old interactions, but the way they work is he sets up an afternoon, she came over and did...something... and then she sat on the bed or couch while he watched tv or played video games. I wonder how long it took for her to realize she should have expected more of him. I mean seriously, she's so beautiful, he should have been looking at her, not the tv!When I was 15 I was sort of awkward with my boyfriend (yes I had a bf), we watched a lot of movies with a blanket over our laps, and like my brother and his girlfriend, out interactions were dominated by not wanting to say or do the wrong thing. But it was mutual, my boyfriend seemed invested and he wanted me to be comfortable and happy. Instead, I stressed over why he wasn't trying to get me to do more. I had to initiate everything advance, and as a result I was paranoid for ages that I wasn't desirable. You aren't going to have any more self esteem after hooking up with someone that you started with.

I just wonder how long it took her to realize that, and to figure out that she should have demanded what she wanted instead of trying to be what she thought he wanted. It's sure taking me a long time to get that through my head (but does anyone really?) . I thought beautiful skinny girls were already like that.

So maybe I was negligent on my part but I'm wasn’t worried about them "going too far," I think she was within her right to give him head if she wanted to.

I just hope he didn't make any of his other gfs watch him play video games because that shit is degrading.

I know, I know, its late. I should have written this yesterday. But I was stuck up North - surrounded by snow my dear friends. I was eating and snowboarding all day.

So…

Things I am grateful for this year:

1. Tila Tequila’s “a shot at love”. I heart Dani
2. Office tea and coffee supplies
3. vagina my vibrator (I got the bullet from my sister and it is still wrapped up).
4. Blogs Blogs not titled _______ in the City. Its lame. Get over yourself. Life in NYC isn’t as glamorous as they portray it.
5. Grey’s Anatomy and Catherine Heigl. (marry me)
6. Romance Sex Making out Baskin-comfort food followed by a nice gym workout.
7. My fantabulous job and my family.
8. My mother being a wonderful cook.
9. Movies I am embarrassed proud to own in my DVD collection.
10. Jack Daniels and Mr. Coca Cola

Things I am not grateful for this year

1. NY Knick, New York Mets
2. The Writer's Strike (before y'all get indignant, I'm actually for it, just disappointed that Broadway is closed and restaurants are losing money, those poor mexicanos don’t have jobs.)
3. The NJ transit
4. The MTA
5. Horrible top shelf expensive gin.
6. The over used guido video on you tube “skanks”
7. The office manager at work who brings in all sorts of snacks. These hips don't get fat themselves!
8. Any commercials/tv shows involving Tim Gunn
9. Starving children around the world.
10. My so-called friends from college. Yeah. Fuck you.

Ok that’s it.

Enjoy the weekend.

It happened. I was confronted by the Model the other night with one of my least favorite questions on the planet. Right up there on the same level as, “How many people have you ever slept with?” is:

“What are you doing for New Years?”

As if I’ve even thought about that! I still haven’t even worked out the details of what I’m doing on my vacation in Brazil and it’s a week from today. I haven’t even started mentally preparing myself for the disgustingly glossy, commercial ‘cheer’ that is Christmas – a holiday I find not only stressful, but vomit inducing.

New Years conversations? Really? Already?

Ironically enough, I don’t find New Years vomit inducing (although I think January 1st may be our country’s national high for people puking). New Years instead is an annoyingly tricky holiday, and it doesn’t help that people (especially people in Manhattan) are obsessed with it. Everyone wants New Years to be a good time, but ultimately the pressure to have fun undermines the holiday. Plus it’s an opportunity for every bar, restaurant and half-decent club to rip off the American public.

Some of the abuse people have to look forward to on New Years Eve includes:

1. Buying three hundred dollar ‘tickets’ a month in advance to enter your typical douchey club on 27th street.

2. Being forced to hitchhike, hire a limo, or take the bus, since finding a free taxi in the city will be more competitive than purchasing a Hermes Birken bag.

3. Should you venture outside of Manhattan, being subject to drunk partiers irresponsible behind the wheel judgment.And last, but perhaps most importantly:

4. That dreadful awkward ‘after the ball drops’ moment. I feel pretty confident that the first few nano-seconds of 2008 are inevitably the most uncomfortable of the entire year. I’d like some sort of award-winning psychologist to develop an informational pamphlet on how to handle those theoretically ‘joyous’ after midnight moments.Technically, you’re supposed to embrace/kiss/slobber on your significant other in a state of euphoria as confetti swirls around you like in an uber-cheesy movie. So if you’re a serious couple at least you have a game plan.

The out of control drunken nature of New Years however, has been known to cause fights between even the most stable couples. So even if you’re hitched, there’s no guarantee you and you loved one will be on speaking terms by the time the clock hits midnight, in which case you can pretend to mack on each other as the ball drops and welcome in the New Year secretly hating each other. Not fun.Even less fun, is surviving this entire situation with someone you’re in a grey relationship with. Suddenly, what you do together when the ball drops serves to define your entire relationship. Like if you kiss in front of everyone during those chaotic New Years moments (as if anyone’s watching…or cares) you suddenly run the risk of morphing into a ‘real’ couple. You could just pull each other into a joyous hug, that’s very grey appropriate.

Or you can avoid eye contact all together. Or hide under a table with a bottle of champagne and wait for the moment to pass. Grey relationships thrive on grayness. The smog is the relationships fuel. So any social situation which calls for a clarification of your status is probably best avoided. Yet another reason why New Years often sucks.Single and spending the holiday with friends is probably the least stressful option. Then you can spend the moments between 12:00 and 12:01 A.M. squirting champagne in one another’s faces and jumping around like apes.

Unfortunately, a New Years level intake of alcohol usually makes people hornier than an in-heat hippopotamus on estrogen medication, so you run the risk of hooking up with one of your friends, or worse, some predatory sleazo at the bar.

So a New Years game plan where you don’t end up pissed, an embarrassment, insanely emotional or full of regret?

If someone comes up with something let me know, because apparently I have to start planning now.

I have been MIA I suppose, or simply “out”. Truth is, I’ve just been busy with work and planning amazing (very costly) vacations for the next upcoming weeks.

It’s been the usual here at la casa of NYC.Lezie – well besides the little fling the Model and I are having. Last week at our re-launch party, I looked fabulous and so did she – the weird thing really was that we sort of looked a little like each other that night. We wore similar dresses- same designers. We got the occasional “wow, you look like you shopped in each other’s closets”.

Negative.

The closest I have been to her fabulous midtown apartment closet was for a quick pre-game in her living room during our lunch break.

The night of the Party, we obviously avoided each other in fear of getting caught in our little naughty office fling. I didn’t know her, nor did she know me. It was even and beautifully coordinated. From the time we arrived (I got there 15mins after her) and I left before her (5min) and later met up for some late dinner.

This girl is so straight is unbelievable. And that’s what kills me. The flirting, the kissing the fingers…I mean…the talking…the flirting….

I am not a relationship kind of girl. I don’t like being tied down. I don’t like having to call someone every night before I go to bed. I don’t need extra drama in my life when I am obviously surrounded by it at work and outside of work. I don’t need someone to hold my hand every time they have a chance, I don’t need someone to be “up all in my business”. It’s not me. I don’t like the extra attention someone gives me. I like a whole lot of attention from different people. That’s what excites me. That’s what gets me going – knowing that lady A is one hell of a sex kitten and lady B is adventurous and crazy in bed.

I think the majority of my friends know how much I can’t deal with someone who calls me 10 times a day. At first it’s cute. But come on… I had this one girl who literally called me every hour just to chat and see what was going on, and another who called at night (when I was watching my precious TV programming) to hear me talk. Really? Get a life.

My point is, The Model is the complete opposite. She likes what relationships have to offer; the feeling of knowing that one person will come back to you every night, that connection you get when you are home on a couch and your partner is next to you and you have this crazy amazing eye talk, the feeling you get every time you see that person.

She is that. She looks for someone who shares the same thing. She wants the phone calls at night and the reassurance that everything is perfect, the kisses, the holding hands and the serenades.

I used to be that person. Is that even possible? I use to love waking up next to the same person everyday, I used to love holding hands and stealing a kiss – preferably on her hand, I used to love the routines, the dinners under the stars and the lunches under a clear blue sky.

I know that now, I am not that. I don’t do relationships. I don’t know why. Actually I do. But I will write it in a different post.


On that note. I am going to visit The Model.

Wasn’t this entry supposed to be about the Model and how I got to 3rd base? Yeah.

Another time.

A couple of months ago – soon after I broke up with The Gym Addict, I had a one night stand with a girl I’ll call Annoying. It happened back in January on a cold winter evening in Midtown, when I met some friends for dinner and drinks and she was part of that group.

When you look at her, she is absolutely stunning. She has this really really strong Italian Accent, about my height and beautiful with long dark hair and eyes the color of a gorgeous summer sky and a smile that can melt you instantly.

But, she’s so fucking annoying. Sort of like a bird that wouldn’t shut up and it just kept chirping and chirping and all you wanted to do was to shut it. Well, that was her. That night while heading uptown to her place, I found myself wondering what on earth I was doing. Something about her mannerisms and what she talked about and how she actually spoke just grated on my nerves. Alas, I had just broken up with The Gym Addict and was kind of in my I’m free again period. I was just having fun.

I think I am pretty much a really good person to get along with. I also like different kinds of people, that’s why I have a plethora of friends. I have my sports friends, my drinking buddies, and college folks, work peeps and people I truly enjoy talking to about anything. The big plus too is that I enjoy having gorgeous ladies around me. But this girl? Just irritating in every way possible. It's unfortunate, really.

This past Monday evening, after spending hours at the office, and out of the blue, Annoying called me. I looked at my phone and just wondered what she wanted – sex, alcohol, my office…

She wanted to grab a drink at my favorite bar on 8th avenue.

It wasn’t until I went to meet her in the lobby that it all rushed back to me that I hated this woman’s company. It was already 7pm on a Monday night. And I had to go to work the next morning. Not all of us are fortunate enough to be freelancers.

So I looked at her and she knew that I changed my mind. But she had those piercing blue eyes that got me. They got me good. They got me to sit at a bar and eating calamari and drinking mojitos. The clock was ticking, and I was getting more annoyed at her. She wanted to discuss our one night stand from last year in excruciating detail. And then she started to tell me about other encounters that she’s had, in an equally graphic way. And then I felt a hand on my knee. And then she was asking me if I wanted to come back to her place.

I was polite. I said no. Paid for the bill and called her a cab. And I could see that she was kind of disappointed. She obviously wanted to have sex with somebody.

But it wasn’t going to be me.

PS: Tomorrow's post should be super exciting - tonight is my company's website re-launch party. and guess who will be attending?? The Model.

Stay Tunned.

I’ve realized you can have an intimate relationship with someone you've never touched. Souls can find a home with a person that you only share words with, that you know you'll never share a physical space with, that you know this life isn't to be, it's only going to be those words, that sense of safety, that knowledge they are there for you in that deepest meaning of the words safe and home.

Kisses are magic, and what can make or break a relationship. They are that intimate bit of self-sharing we hope for. They are special, beyond sex. It’s that push beyond into the private boundary, the area we hold sacred. We hand over kisses, playful, passion-filled, the fast peck on the cheek...but the ones on the mouth, they are a gift.They do inspire the belief that love is possible... the dream, the hope.Sex... it is something handed out in an easier way by many. That fast connection, that hope of becoming one with a person, if only for a short time… The need to be cherished, if for a short time, the hope it will let you click and build on the physical to an emotional level.I know couples who, met, slept together, and are still locked in their couple Dom years later.It can work, it appears.A kiss gives us the belief we can be cherished, beloved... sex adds the senses to the flavor of that belief.

Almost like the fairy tales, all it took was that gentle kiss on the lips to fall madly in love and live happily ever after.


Fairy tales can come true, right?

How do you know when you've hurt someone?

When you've relationships built on the delicacy of butterfly breath, of walking softly, of text that I despise, when getting a response is almost impossible, in dealing with a friendship that is important, how do you know?

How do you know when things are okay again? If the forgiveness is real, if that person has moved on and the breach is healed? With no voice to communicate, how do you know?It's difficult enough when you say something or do something inadvertent to a friend or loved one and you are there... you can assess the damage, realize the immediacy of the depth to which you've put your foot into your mouth, make amends, using facial responses, tone of voice, body language to guide you in this all important task.

How do you do this when you communicate by text, by email? We all know you send an email with one voice in your head, and the reader absorbs the words with their version.

I can only wait and see, I suppose. It's all you can ever really do, isn't it?

I never actually talked about what happened with The German in fear that she may be hurt by it. I received an email from a reader wondering what happened to The German. So here is the story:

Remember when I went to Boston to visit her? Okay, well the weekend went well. I met a couple of her friends and they were absolutely charming. We hung out, walked around…I got to know her better but with every hour passing by, I realized that I was not attracted to her like the way you would if you wanted to date someone. Its not that she was dull or unattractive, I just didn’t feel a connection between us. Usually, if I don’t see a connection within the first few minutes I am talking to you face to face, I just give up and let it go. I hate wasting my time, and I sure hate wasting other people’s time. She might actually feel the same way, I am not too sure. In fact, after I came back to NYC we hardly spoke. I wasn’t trying to be malicious. I just couldn’t tell her that there wasn’t anything…I have a really hard time admitting to someone that there is no possible chance. I don’t like seeing people getting hurt (I’m sure she wouldn’t be hurt). Even with The Gym Addict, I broke up with her via email (sad and pathetic - I know) because I couldn’t see her getting all emotional and crying (I think she cried actually). I can’t deal with super emotional people. That is why I work in a field where you have to be a cold blooded asshole.


But anyway, like I said before, The German is someone that I really enjoyed talking to. Although we have a few things in common - the arts, dining and museums but on that scale, there were a lot of things we didn’t share. We were both raised differently, so we have different views on a lot of things. This is why I always say that I get involved with people with the similar background as me. It is easier to deal with, I don’t have to lower my standards for someone, instead I am on the same eye level. I like it that way. It has always been that way. I cant change for anyone. In fact isn’t it one of the rules of dating? Be yourself.


She is an intelligent girl, she has a lot going for her. She is currently in Grad School in NYC - for Textile something, I have to confess that I still have no idea what it is. I just don’t get it. I’m sure its super exciting but it is one of the few things that I have a mental block on. I don’t know why. I am so traditional in that sense, I am used to traditional master programs. Does that make me ignorant? But whatever floats her boat.


We are two extremely different people. I always hear that opposites attract- I call that bullshit. Whoever can tell me that they are currently with someone who is the complete opposite, I‘d give them 5 bucks. You got to have a few things that you can relate to whether it was the way we were both raised or the type of schools we went to or the lifestyle we each lead. Truthfully, I just thought that I was really different from her. When I spoke to my friends about The German, they were always wondering why her, what is so special about her.

It is again one of those theoretical questions about relationships that no one really know the answers to.

Picture Catherine Heigl and you have yourself The Model. She is beautiful like the Grey’s Anatomy bombshell.

Every morning when I wake up, I think of how my day will be much better than yesterday because of her. I think of her and how beautiful she is and how surprisingly delicate she is or how sweet she will be. I head in to work only to find that all I have hoped for in the morning when I wake are all true. It has come to the point where I look forward to going to work because of her and truthfully, I know how horrible it is to have come to that point but I just can’t help it. I can’t help but think about her, analyzing every detail about her, memorizing and learning things about her everyday. It is almost like a sweet lullaby you never want to stop playing. I am in a daze, in clouds, in an infinite warming sensation of everything I love. It can only be a dream right? If so, I never want to wake up from this beautiful, peaceful paradise that I am stuck in.

Now you may think that I have fallen for her, I am not. What I know is that it is blissful. Whatever I am feeling it is something I have not experienced in a very long time (not with The German, or the Gym Addict). It is a feeling I really can’t grasp completely but I am willing to accept it as it comes. I am willing to breathe. I am willing to be in that imaginary fairy tale that I have mentally created. My only wish really is to be able to let myself be.

You see, The Model gives me butterflies. I blush when she says things that are completely ordinary and yet unordinary. I look for my words, I look for ways to see what she thinks, or what she wants. I am clueless. Truly clueless. It’s almost like I forgot how to talk to woman. It feels like I am taking baby steps and with every step I feel like I may be getting closer to knowing her better than I did yesterday.

I am someone who hides the way I feel about someone. I carefully manage to hide every possible facial expressions so that she or other people don’t see me - the real me. She may have a clue, but I am not sure. I don’t want her to be scared of whatever is thrown at her. I don’t want to seem like a pusher. Because she is strictly dickly I am forced to fall back in line. I am forced to stay where I am in fear that I may project something that she isn’t ready to experience.

The way she talks to me, the way she tucks in her hair behind her ear , the way she turns red and can’t look at me in my eyes I know that there may be a connection somewhere. She is intrigued. She is curious. I know.
Sometimes I wonder if maybe I am wasting my time because I know that today might be my last day persuading her. And then, I think about how she has become something I want. How much I crave her and how happy I would be. So selfish of me. Maybe she wants me. I wont know until I ask her.

The other night at Cavalli’s party, she sat next to me, her hands on my thigh and a champagne flute in the other. She looked at me differently…outside of work, outside the suit, outside the corporate lies. She saw me; the lesbian, the girl who like girls, the girl who is real. That night I was comfortable, most importantly, she was comfortable being around my friends and I. That night, I felt lucky. I did not sleep with her and I wouldn’t unless she wanted to, I didn’t kiss her because she wasn’t ready. I held her hand and reassured that she was safe. With every squeeze she returned it with a gentle and delicate smile. I was in heaven.

There you have it. I am afraid to fall for her. I’m losing it. I admit it. But is she?

I know I know...you guys are waiting patiently for the post about Model and my Halloween thing with Roberto Cavalli @ Cipriani.

Tomorrow I promise.

see, I have been busy all morning. I actually came in to work. yes. deadly. Slightly tired. Mostly hungover. Mainly satisfied. Loved ever minute that I actually remember, I do know I ended up stealing Poland springs water bottles from someone’s limo and apparently pissed off a Mexican delivery boy and two 411 representatives. All in all I would say it was fun.

It was all I expected though. Douchebags, no name celebrities, whores –male and female and the entertainment was crazy. For 4k it was worth it. I didn’t exactly pay all 4k, I got a couple of people and we split the VIP bill. The good thing about the VIP table is that you get to have 7 of your friends sitting and enjoying really good champagne and bottles of liquor. When the reservations were made for Halloween, we had an option to where we wanted the VIP table to be. Of course, I love being around everyone and I secretly wanted to see drama, I decided that it would be great to have it near the dance floor, that way we can sip our champagne and watch the ones who only paid 200 bucks to get in. that was mean right?

It’s a different feel I tell ya. I’ve been to VIP areas a couple of times and I’ve been a regular patron and honestly, everyone treat you differently when they glance at your wrist and see the shiny bracelet. You are an instant celebrity until 5am when the club closes its doors.

but more to come. I am way too tired.