TLC Life Lessons
Monday, April 9, 2007
S ince I am pretty much stuck in front of the tv when I come home from my escapades I immediately turn on TLC. Its my “ok to be lame, just watch the 700lbs man and feel better about my life” And ever so often I stumbled upon the TLC’s Life Lessons. They are pretty funny but they make you wonder about your potentials to become one of those statues they have, which you can order over the phone.
My favorite besides the cat lady is the “Merlot and emails don’t mix”. It basically sums up my life. I drink and I pull the blackberry and start to email (because my ride home takes forever, I have to entertain myself in some ways) but for some reason I always delete the email before I send them. Secret #1 – its always to the same person. No its not the writer. But it is someone I care deeply about. I am not too sure if she reads this or one of her spies read my stuff and report it back to her (although, I wouldn’t care, since I do want her to read them and see that “hey, I am not so much of a bad person that she thinks I am” – right?) But anyway, the emails sometimes go like this :
“I miss you….I miss being part of your life…I miss talking…I miss you…blah blah
blah” – simple, it’s a whole lot of I miss yous.
Or they go like this:
“I wish you werent with that whore who stole you from me, I fucking hate the whole thing, I fucking hate this. Don’t you see what the hell is going on? no im not fucking crazy I just cant understand why it happened”
Let me just say that if I ever pressed the tiny scroller and send any of these emails to her, I would be in a lot of problems. Actually, she’d probably think that I am crazy and that I need to get over her, which, truthfully I did but I wanted our last night to have been a little hott instead of tears. I should have just gone for the “last sex together, forever”.
Now I really wonder if she is reading.
So going back to my Merlot and the emails. Just after New Years, I had gone out with the architect to a hot spot down in the west village. Good food, good drink specials and 8 martinis later, I was home on the computer emailing her. Of course, it was never sent due to my lack of confidence (nowadays, she intimidates me- which makes the situations sexier) and fear of rejection (again from her). So I avoided the send button and instead saved it as a draft.
My favorite besides the cat lady is the “Merlot and emails don’t mix”. It basically sums up my life. I drink and I pull the blackberry and start to email (because my ride home takes forever, I have to entertain myself in some ways) but for some reason I always delete the email before I send them. Secret #1 – its always to the same person. No its not the writer. But it is someone I care deeply about. I am not too sure if she reads this or one of her spies read my stuff and report it back to her (although, I wouldn’t care, since I do want her to read them and see that “hey, I am not so much of a bad person that she thinks I am” – right?) But anyway, the emails sometimes go like this :
“I miss you….I miss being part of your life…I miss talking…I miss you…blah blah
blah” – simple, it’s a whole lot of I miss yous.
Or they go like this:
“I wish you werent with that whore who stole you from me, I fucking hate the whole thing, I fucking hate this. Don’t you see what the hell is going on? no im not fucking crazy I just cant understand why it happened”
Let me just say that if I ever pressed the tiny scroller and send any of these emails to her, I would be in a lot of problems. Actually, she’d probably think that I am crazy and that I need to get over her, which, truthfully I did but I wanted our last night to have been a little hott instead of tears. I should have just gone for the “last sex together, forever”.
Now I really wonder if she is reading.
So going back to my Merlot and the emails. Just after New Years, I had gone out with the architect to a hot spot down in the west village. Good food, good drink specials and 8 martinis later, I was home on the computer emailing her. Of course, it was never sent due to my lack of confidence (nowadays, she intimidates me- which makes the situations sexier) and fear of rejection (again from her). So I avoided the send button and instead saved it as a draft.
[Person’s name]
Better than chocolate, Milicent, 304, tennis matches, icy hot, whales, winter break, peanut butter and jelly crackers, Chesapeake Bay, paintings, thai, cookie cake, beach, bikes, nude, blackout, pesto sauce, tunnel, stick shift, dyke m., pride, Hens, Fridays at 12, movies, palisades, haircuts, puppies, soccer, strength, legs, neck, back, valentine’s day.
Remember me?
Better than chocolate, Milicent, 304, tennis matches, icy hot, whales, winter break, peanut butter and jelly crackers, Chesapeake Bay, paintings, thai, cookie cake, beach, bikes, nude, blackout, pesto sauce, tunnel, stick shift, dyke m., pride, Hens, Fridays at 12, movies, palisades, haircuts, puppies, soccer, strength, legs, neck, back, valentine’s day.
Remember me?
You see what Merlot does to you? And so I dare not send it. I guess like the first email I sent her 2 years ago about us being friends and her shutting me with a reply “we cant.” And including a whole Webster dictionary definition of the word friend, I think if I did send this over, it would be “fuck off” and a whole Webster dictionary definition of the word loser. I don’t think I can take anymore of it.
Plus, I don’t think I want her to know that I think about her from time to time or that I actually write letters and can’t send them for numerous reasons. I am pretty darn sure I don’t cross her mind or else she would have offered to grab a drink with me – her girlfriend could have joined. Oh yes, she has a girlfriend. I failed to mention it. Sorry.
It’s been a long time since I last saw her and the last time I did see her, we both ignored each other. I was probably intoxicated and she was definitely sober. The conversation wouldn’t have gone really far.
Me – “hey, what’s up? Still with the so called dyke?”
Her – walking away and pretending she didn’t hear me.
Ha! Imgagine if she only knew. I wonder what she'd say. seriously, she was known to be the total bitch after whatever happened between you two. maybe she's in denial!
Ugh..I thought you were finally going to email me instead of her.
Come on, I know you love me.
hahaha
You should send it and see what she says. Maybe she'll give in and be your friend.
I remember your entry with friends with the ex...
Who wouldn't like you? She's missing out.
~Dylan