Confessions.of.a.NYC.Lezie

I'm a Lezie who enjoys good beer. My preference is the darker the better just like my women – European but slightly Mediterranean. However, any active beer drinker knows that the heavier the beer, the more the calories. I drink on a night of drunken debauchery an average of 7 or 8 beers.

Guinness is my favorite, but I only reserve that for when I decide to drink my dinner. However, I've been known to drink 3 or 4 on a given night. At approximately 200 calories a pop, that's 800 calories right there.

My second favorite beer, Saranac Amber, we'll say is approximately 175 calories based on the caloric value of similar amber beers. Now, given that they aren't as heavy as Guinness is, I can drink more. I remember one night I drank 10. I know I'm a mathlete, but I bet most of you can calculate10x175=1750 calories. In one night.

My third favorite beer, Leinenkugels Honey Weiss, is sadly (or thankfully) no where to be found anywhere in NYC. Still, I would say the caloric value of this beer ranges from 150-165 or so. We're still in the 1500 calorie range for a night of heavy drinking. Lord knows when I head back to the land of Honey Weiss, I make up for any time I spent away from this delicious brew.

So my point? Bud Light, Amstel Light, Coors Light, while they all may be shitty and taste like water or cat piss, only have approximately 100 calories per beer. I can go out, get shit faced, go to the gym the next day, and still retain my semi girlish figure. I've resigned myself to the fact that my slight beer pouch (not really a gut, but an inch of skin I can grab right below my belly button) will never go away due to my heavy consumption of beer, but I'm okay with that. At least I'm having fun, right?So next time you see me out, and you make a comment on my crappy water downed beer, give me a break, mmm k?

You don't want no fatty slobbering on your knob now do you?

NOTE: Yes, I could drink vodka, which I do at times, but the results are never pretty. Hard alcohol's influence over me deserves its own post.

Ever tried one of those craigslist missed connections? I practically live on CL and for maybe a month or so, I’ve been going to CL MC just for fun. The Writer mentioned to me that there are people who write them sorely for the entertainment and others do it to really reconnect with someone. And Everytime, I am flabbergasted at some of the missed connections.

And so I tried my first.

Me: I was the young, nubile girl sitting across from you in the brown dress and curly hair pulled back in a loose pony tail with a couple of curls dangling on her face, listening to her iPod, trying desperately to avoid eye contact with you by staring at the subway ads…


You: You were the over weight, could be 50, could be 70 year old man sitting across from me. I thought you might have been cross-eyed at first, but it turns out you only had one wonky eye. I appreciate your wonky eye checking me out though. It's always nice to have creepy old men staring at your chest when you are clearly uncomfortable. I also am not sure if you were just itchy "down there", or you were trying to seduce me with your plastic bag and all your rubbing.


Either way, it was a nice touch. That coy look on your face was irresistible, and I really appreciate you letting me off the train first so you can try and look up my skirt as I walked up the stairs.


Call me [wink, wink]

Yep it’s like 430 right now. And I am supper excited because I get to home at exactly 5pm. So basically no blogging really. Just me rambling about things that probably wont make sense to you or myself but it will kill time and I LIKE IT.

Wanna know something that irks me?? Sure??

Ok.

So I walked into my office this morning, closed the door and put my head down for a little because I had a killer headache and I don’t deal with headaches very well. I either cuss like a dirty truck driver from upstate or I make you feel like you are nothing to me like the upper east side trophy wives. And THEN…I heard a child running down the hallway and I cringed. Really. What the fuck?? It’ s Wednesday people. Keep your kids at home! See, I would understand if it was a Friday and there was nothing to do – not that sleeping at the office isn’t doing something damnit!


I really don’t like to be woken up in the middle of a glorious morning nap by screaming kids while at work. I mean, I don’t hate kids. I’m sure I won’t mind it when I eventually have my own future perfectly behaved, above average in every possible way beacons of joy who will someday not only cure the common cold but also win Wimbledon. Twice.

But come on, can I get a break? When I become CEO of my own ad Agency there will be a wall full of rules. The number 1 being the no kids rule and the last being - bring your beers to work on fridays.


Ok good. We are on time here. It is now 432. umm…I looked amazing today. With the gloomy weather I forced myself to look decent for once this week. NYC when its gray is depressing. This morning I didn’t want to get out of bed. Ok – that’s every morning.

Anyhoo…maybe I’ll get up and walk around and do my usual “I have nothing to do but stare at other people work” checkup.


I promise. Tomorrow will be better.

It is now 4:34pm ahhhh

To the Unsuspecting Woman of the W. 53rd St New York Sports Club,

Do you realize the terror I must have experienced around 600 this morning, August 21st, 2007.I hope for you that that your intention was NOT to parade through the women's locker room, wearing nothing but your birthday suit.

I have to admit, It seemed that you were too preoccupied with checking your voicemail and obsessing about something or other in your highly pms state, to comprehend that you had left your towel in the locker. I hope It was a purely innocent move on your part, as you gallivanted to the shower, all saggy tits and pubes. You should be fully aware of the trauma you may have caused some of us, having no choice but to stare unabashedly at your slightly unmanicured bush.

It's times like these, dear woman, that you should appreciate the need for regular waxings.

I noticed that your faux pas was unnoticed until you reached the shower, looked down and said "fuck". You did try to redeem yourself by grabbing a towel on your way back to the locker, in order to not subject ME to double the pleasure of your nubile self.

Woman of 53rd street, I hope you are on your way to get a Brazilian, some lipo, and a tit lift.

Sincerely,


NYC.Lezie.

So I was at the gym today and caught some of Oprah- she was having famous women talk about what they would tell their younger selves and what they know now that they're "older".

It got me thinking about what I would tell my younger self- and it was all the same mush- love yourself for who you are, beauty comes from inside, blah blah... And then I had a bigger revelation.

We can tell our younger selves these things because we've learned them from being who we were. If we were all confident, loving, self affirmed teenagers we probably wouldn't be who we are today which is usually happier, healthier and proud of what we'd accomplished.

I think I would be snobbish, stuck-up and lonely if I didn't have the baggage and yucky teenage years to have taught me about loving myself, helping others feel loved and what confidence is. It we start out with everything, we've got a lot more to lose rather than gain.

So, I guess I'm happy that being a gawky teenager sucked, because all the goodness I've found inside and out feels that much better.

I was talking to LA Dude about threesomes and he was telling me about his experiences and how awful they were and I was shocked that one of the girls did not know how 2 guys and a girl can all successfully fuck at the same time without any "watching." You know, finger cuffs? Wobby H? London Bridge?
uh oh…

The secret to my vulgarity?

I had an ex who watched lots of porn and of course, being the excellent girlfriend that I was I sat there with her. *cough

I think she had developed Carpal Tunnel Syndrome from excess ...

I don't get why more girls don't watch porn. Well, maybe they do and just don't admit to it? I don't know. I don't watch anything freaky. Threesomes don't do it for me, and neither does any other of that freaky shit like midget porn or animal sex. I don't like watching pearl necklaces (guys, that is never enjoyable) or have a fondness for Asians. I just like straight, normal sexy porn--and not that pussy (pun intended?) soft core shit on Skinamax. Fuck that romance shit. Or that fake lesbian porn shit, with Coco Dulce Supreme (I just made that name up – you like?) porn-star with fingernails 10inches long. Seriously. I don’t know any lezies who would fuck anyone with long nails. *Ouch.

I remember the first time I watched porn. And so here is the story. Remember Spice Channel? Well it was my discovery channel. I learned about a girl’s vagina. Ron Jeremy nasty but quite long ding dong, I learned how to basically fake my orgasm.

One time in college, I showed my roommates some of the porn my brother had left on my pc (now that I think about it – eww) and we all sat around and watched (no guys, we didn't start touching each others boobs or anything, just the occasional clitoris.) C. (I won’t type her name. She reads this and would kill me) was the only other girl I have ever met beside myself who admitted openly to liking porn. This is why she is awesome.

My point is, girls shouldn't be ashamed of watching a little sexy time. A little penetration never hurt anyone. And you can quote me on that. Who knows? You ladies might learn a thing or two.

Now, if you'll excuse me. I have to go back to work. Riiiiight....

The best thing about memories is their accessibility; that shelvable quality. There is no searching through cluttered drawers to find them, no late fees or need for a net to catch them with.

No permission slips or sell by date. You can replay them like a slide show in your mind any time you want. Any memory, anywhere, any time. They are convenient and kept close, like words on the tip of your tongue, or spare change in a jar.

The only problem is, once the slide show is over, all you are left with is a blank wall.